photo credit: kukulyaci.com
“Sana ang tubig kong panligo’y galing sa balon”
It was a nightly ritual. A 5 minute cold shower. My father had a practical, almost mechanical response to douse off body heat. Maybe this is caused by high blood pressure. Were these ignored signs of the early stages of aneurysm? Seeking medical help was either impractical or an admission of weakness.
“You know what would be better?”he said, closing his eyes and massaging his temples.
“Sa Mabitac, anlamig ng tubig, gagaling ang sakit ng ulo ko don”
Sa araw na kikitlin ang buhay ko
Ng iniinom kong lason
Maybe he took the evening showers to dilute the alcohol seeping from his skin. He’d sleep with hair still wet. He’d snore like the devil was choking him to his death and claim his soul at this drunken state. When he is perceived at his hopeless worst.
“At ang buhay ko na puno ng
Patlang at pagkakataon”
But the drinking sessions were a showcase of his talents and potential he never fulfilled, yet. He had wit and humor, and he masterfully prepared the pulutan. This table was his stage and he is well loved. In his inebriated state, he can open up and will not be judged. The moments were blur with blanks to be filled. Gaps filled with Dionysian noise as some perfunctory resolve to delay deadlines. The wide open spaces trying to make sense of a habit looked down upon and you’re drowning in it.
Ay masisilip lamang sa mga kwentong
Sa limot binaon
He feared that in his death he will be forgotten. He shared stories about his past that pretty much sealed his future. The present is but an aid in the whole inescapable circumstance. His situation is not a cry for help, let it be clear.
Hindi ko kailangan ang saklolo ng isang impostor
He was young then, promised a bright future. But not the time needed to discover and understand.
Ang dugtong ng buhay mo at buhay ko’y bunga lang ng malupit na pag inog ng mundong naghihikahos
And by chance we are born and inevitably we die. In between, we live.
“…. Ang dugtong ng pangalan mo’t pangalan ko’y (pawang) yun lang, isang dugtong”
One day he realized the potential of a day. Detached from reputed habits and tendencies. He changed the meaning of what his name stood for. Away from the meaning it once did.
And he succeeded in unlocking himself from expectations and perceptions.
One day he thought he should be sober a night before he sees his kids. And then he was gone. No longer an impostor. How he was redeemed.
danDAman 