What’s a Boy To Do?

I had this dumb idea of growing up to become a man before becoming a father. Maybe, it’s a sound idea, made dumb by

a definition of what a man should be. I thought the man should be way past his boyhood tendencies. The boy is all about himself, the indulgence, the excesses, the drive, the ambition, the sex. And the boy stage is very hard to outgrow. The boy is portrayed as Peter Pan and the man, negatively, as Hook. Effectively, as suggested, the man is everything the boy failed to become. The Pan in us wants to be forever young or at least be in possession of time that don’t run out, doesn’t slow down, doesn’t age. Then most of us one day, wake up and become a miserable pirate with a hook (force and authority by default) where the hand (will) used to be.

The theory was ambition is tied to who the boy is. Fulfill the ambition first. See how it grows. See how far I can cc1succeed. And maybe, if faced with failure, I will realize the need to adapt to reality. It takes a man to face reality.

I tried to become who I wanted to be.  At the end of college, I wanted to be a DJ. I tried out for RX 93.1. I passed. They say the record for aspiring Radio 1 DJs is a month of training before going on-air.  I did that. I went on air as the first from outside metro manila under the Radio 1 program (Bulacan State U). Not that big of deal considering the Visayans and Davaoeños that came before me. I pinch hitted for DJs, met music icons, met Louie D. and Jude Rocha (The best radio voices in my mind, along with the Gaucho). It was a bonus to meet Boom Gonzales and CJ too! In the pursuit of it though, exposed how I naive and immature I was for everything coming my way. Maybe I was waiting for someone who’d take me under his wing, show me the ropes and make me feel bad about what I had and in turn work harder. Naive. I was too self-conscious about how I sound and how everybody were from Ivy League colleges and I was from Bulacan State, I forgot to value the doors that I was opening.

I didn’t take the responsibility to take it up a notch because I thought my band, Jobit Moya and the SPO1s were gonna make it. Belief should fuel your drive. The band collectively were insecure, we had the fuel but drove nowhere.

Then I found the best job in the world. The widest plateau for those seeking money but not career. A steady job without the stress you bring at home. A steady job that can feed the passion and afford silence from all the distractions. Then I found the love of my life.

I found her and punched my way to get to her. Punched an ex-boyfriend to get to her. We explored the world from this plateau, slept thru long days and laughed in traffic. The memories filled up 4 years and she asked me a question, the answer of which fueled how I write, what I sing about and defined the man I was at the moment:

“Why are you still grieving?” she said…

I always thought I’d be so much tougher if my father is around. He is a manly man. He had an Alpha male vibe. The one who didn’t live to his potential.

So was I.

But this attitude need to change. With kids along the way, the skepticism need to be toned down to let the bright and unbridled optimism get in. I had to.

My daughter and son need to grow in an environment where solutions are possible. Where generosity is consistent and where dreams are as abundant as with harsh realities. At least that’s the theory. The things that seem impossible today should never dampen the hope for possibilities tomorrow. Look at the history of humanity, progress and technology. There are so many things that were once deemed impossible that is now part of the daily routine.

Everyday, where we are, is a chance to move up.

My kids and their growth whip me to moving forward, in shape mentally and physically. Right now I’m just trying to prolong the mystery of their father being smarter, stronger and faster. Celebrate the finite gift of time we have, a more limited time we have for each other.

When I was a kid, we knew someone who was so carefree and seemingly generous of what he had. We were led to a thought that “Wow, if only he was richer, he’d give it all for the good of others.” It turned out, the reason why he didn’t have much is because he can’t be trusted with the littlest amount of money. I don’t mind being estranged with greedy people, it won’t matter if they have nothing or if they have a lot. It will never be enough.

That’s why I only toned down the skepticism, it needs to be there. It keeps me from being greedy. It’s a smart form of intuition based on facts and let’s you prepare for predictable failures.

What’s a boy to do? Measure me by by how much money I have, then you have me as current failure champion. But that attitude has to change. Happiness, the way John Lennon imagined it is a far richer pursuit. It’s the only way I can make sense of everything that has happened to me and where I project things to go.

At least that’s the theory.