Trust

I walk the stretch of Edsa extension from the corner Roxas Boulevard to MRT Taft at 10p.m. whenever I opt to leave my car and take the train instead. The sidewalk depicts the threat of decay Pasay City seems to suffer from within, similar to a shiny teeth enamel that is rotten from the inside.

It is not a secure walk and I’m pretty sure the city will use that fact that I, along with the daily mob who traverse this dirty street, walk there unharmed. The whole stretch is commercially developed but with confusing urban planning much like the rest of the minor cities all over the archipelago. Or maybe there’s harmony in finding a brothel-for-pennies dressed as “KTV Bars”, bus terminals, used car garage, and a mini-mall all in the same strip and I should squint to marvel at the genius laid out before me. But I am too busy avoiding the piss trail that is emanating from the post finding it’s way to the garbage filled drain, like New York, they say.

Still, I keep on walking, fearless. I trust that I won’t die a senseless death on my way home. Even if I do, I trust that I contributed enough positivity to people around me and say I did not waste my life.

Trust is a currency we pay to someone who we hope won’t be betrayed. It is the heart that feels pain but it is trust that breaks. And my sister said I risk too much trust on taking a train that is documented/exposed, to be ill-maintained. But the trip gives me focus, not the type that’s based on clarity, more from a clutter of thoughts that flow through and unclog my brain that suffers periodically when I drive alone and insulated from everything that is experienced hands on by a boy whose only fault is being born poor. There’s that guilt and a hint of irony that blare from the speakers as I play Pearl Jam loud.

I may be suffering from “deserved guilt” with things that I have that I don’t feel I deserve. I trust that I did earn my keep and continue to move forward towards a better position. Still I walk this street to find appreciation and a better approach. Still I take this train and trust that it will take me home as effectively as my car can. I trust that whatever road that I take, moving forward, will one day take me to the place I want to be.